Moments like this

I know being emotional and grumpy is a major turn off for everyone and it definitely can put people off. But I really need a space to vent my emotions. Holiday is always the time I reflect and think a whole lot more. Frankly, it leads me to no where but I just can't stop myself from thinking. And, all these never fail to ruin my mood. I feel so much lonelier. My heart feels empty. I learnt that filling empty heart with unrealistic matter make it even worse. I know I want to be someone successful but I don't even know what am I going to do after polytechnic. I don't even know what is my ambition and interest. I want to do better but I just can't find my stepping stones. Moments in life that I thought, yes let this continue on and the next thing I know is, it ended. Not knowing what I can do, areas which I can excel in can be so devastating and disheartening. Scrolling through the contacts in my phone wanting to find a friend to pour out my feelings to and realising there's none I could really open myself to. It's made me reflect even more, asking myself what have I been doing for the past 18 years of my life which leads me to this state. There're times where I really feel like ending this life and begin with another. I no longer blame reality, fate and life. Cause I know I'm the one that made all the decisions and I'm the one who take charge of my own life. I'm also the one that's suppose to colour my own life.