Pinned

Have you ever felt trapped and restrained? Trapped by your dreams and restrained by your fears. All big plans and thoughts being tied down by an unseeable anchor. You have the ambitious. You have the dream. You have the plan. You have it all. And, you have your fears.

Don't start

There are always things you never want anyone to know. Your darkest secret. And sometimes you have to lie in order to avoid exposing them to people. One lie leads to another and before you know it, you've told thousands. Soon, you become so good at it, it's habitual. It became a bad habit that's hard to break. You want it to stop but you can't. It seems like it had a mind of its own. You had feed it long enough for it to grow and mature and it spun out of control. Now, you try to seize back the control but it occurs as a preposterous attempt as you realised that it has already became part of you and your identity. You do not know where to start. You're afraid of losing your identity. You feel vulnerable. You lose your comfort and your only knowledge of way of communication. You feel at lost when questions is posted to you. You evade the questions and shun from the attention, desperate for a way out. You feel trapped in the maze you thought you knew too well only to find yourself not knowing the way out. 

Sorry

I've an incredible ability to ruin everything for myself. I always manage to screw up every opportunity I get and never seem to be able to make the right decisions. After time and again, I feel like the stupidest person alive. It appears to be like I can never learn from my mistake. I just keep making the same old fucking mistake repeatedly. I kept asking myself why? I put in the effort, I did all the preparations that I should and I could do. At the final moment, I’ll always find new ways to mess with myself and fucked up. It is like a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of.

I’ve been feeling inferior and insecure with myself ever since the start of my memory. Even when I’m just in primary school, I never felt good enough for anything or anyone. I never dared to ask or request for anything in afraid of rejection. I cared too much about what others think of me. I pushed away any form of gift, help, and act of kindness as I see it as an act of pity from others and I didn’t want it. I deem that as my weakness. I was prideful and egoistic even back then and I didn’t want anyone to see me as a weakling.

As I got older and gain more confidence, things got better for me. I managed to overcome some insecurity and generally accept myself for who I am. Despite of that, the feeling of inferior still lingers within me. Thus, every time I fail at something or when something bad happened or time when I feel like shit, all my inferiority and insecurity would arise again. In moment like this, I refused to tell anyone or let anyone see it. I don’t want anyone to know the demons I have to fight in my head and the times I drowned myself in tears. I choose to shy away from everyone and overcome this feeling all by myself. It happens more than I would like it to.

I have no answer when family or friends ask me why am I so moody or why did I disappear. How do you expect me to tell you that I am nothing more than just an emotional wreck? I despise myself for that as well.