Sorry

I've an incredible ability to ruin everything for myself. I always manage to screw up every opportunity I get and never seem to be able to make the right decisions. After time and again, I feel like the stupidest person alive. It appears to be like I can never learn from my mistake. I just keep making the same old fucking mistake repeatedly. I kept asking myself why? I put in the effort, I did all the preparations that I should and I could do. At the final moment, I’ll always find new ways to mess with myself and fucked up. It is like a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of.

I’ve been feeling inferior and insecure with myself ever since the start of my memory. Even when I’m just in primary school, I never felt good enough for anything or anyone. I never dared to ask or request for anything in afraid of rejection. I cared too much about what others think of me. I pushed away any form of gift, help, and act of kindness as I see it as an act of pity from others and I didn’t want it. I deem that as my weakness. I was prideful and egoistic even back then and I didn’t want anyone to see me as a weakling.

As I got older and gain more confidence, things got better for me. I managed to overcome some insecurity and generally accept myself for who I am. Despite of that, the feeling of inferior still lingers within me. Thus, every time I fail at something or when something bad happened or time when I feel like shit, all my inferiority and insecurity would arise again. In moment like this, I refused to tell anyone or let anyone see it. I don’t want anyone to know the demons I have to fight in my head and the times I drowned myself in tears. I choose to shy away from everyone and overcome this feeling all by myself. It happens more than I would like it to.

I have no answer when family or friends ask me why am I so moody or why did I disappear. How do you expect me to tell you that I am nothing more than just an emotional wreck? I despise myself for that as well.